365 days TOGETHER! wE aRe OnE BIG fAmIlY

Monday, May 22, 2006

Dear Diary..

well, it been days ever since i update.. hehe.. hab been kind of busy with my school blah blah stuff.. x) got myself involved in art fiesta naturally i will be more busy.. but well, it rawks.. i am involved in it again.. hahx..

hmm, ytd i went crazy, i got yong wei they all to buy me vodka.. no doubt i drank it and got drunk.. lucky.. all of them send me home.. thank god, and well.. they smsed mr koh to tell him i safely reached home.. i am really kind of upset lahs.. but i dunno how to tel godpa. it's like adding on or smth? hais.. i dunno..
after i got drunk we got a really good heart to heart talk i guess.. they keep asking me if i got slept well ytd night.. yups, peeps, i slept well, no worries.. i am definetly strong i think.. x) love you ppl.. i mean its like i got drunk but they didnt left me alone.. thts wad i called true frene.. but at the same time, i broke mine and his promise.. no vodka.. but i'm really upset lahs.. i'm sorry. i got godpa worry for me too, but well.. godpa.. i am no doubt a grown up.. ;)

this few days, i hab to be so acting tht i am happy in school. but in fact i wasnt abit happy i guess.. hais.. but for all of their sake, i hab to act.. i really detest such life.. why? why i just cant put you down? why do i hab to hold you so tight.. this i s the first time i broke down and tell them wad actually happen..

i just know that godpa hab enuff ot worry about. AMATH, EMATH, his personal stuff.. joachim stuff.. our stuff.. my stuff.. hais.. i dunno how long he can take it.. whenever he act to be happy in amath, i just feel tht pain.. cos i am just like him.. do not wan ppl to worry, so hab to be acting.. why? life is just so unfair.. lucky, i still hab godpa standing by me.. i dunno when i will fall.. most probably soon, cos i dunno wad to do to my own life.. forget or not? i struggle for the ans very very long.

I WANTED TO BE HAPPY! just like anyone else. but, this few days i hab been decieving myself and ppl around me that I AM HAPPY. but when i am alone, i feel fear and scare. i do not know why i feel so but well, i just gave up on myself before i gave up on him. hais..
ytd godpa told me : YOU HUH... ;(

it's just very simple words.. but i feel tht he still care for me like telling me not to think of him.. hais.. like those promises been break again, i know he feel sad whenever i look moody. but i'm really tired of faking or wearing this happy smiling face as though i really happy go lucky. but am i?

i just began to fear of looking into the mirror, becos i know i am just so fake, only the one in the mirror is the real me. but when i quieten down. does 4E3 still hab tht laughter with me? NO! they just gone quiet.. i really scare.. i scare they saw my real identity tht i am not the cheerful, i know they do feel upset. =(

i wanan smsed godpa now, but i know he's tired.. i dunno wad i wan actually. his care? he do care but too much will made him worry no doubt. hais.. i dunno.. he really gave me a wonderful memories of my teenager life. my this very caring godpa, jsut wanna say thank you!

everything is over, it's time i carry on with life. one day somehow, i will just find stuff that belonged to myself.. isnt it true? but when will the days come? i got myself involved in art fiesta cos i really wanna made myself bz with lots of stuff.. forget about him and just carry on. hais.. i dunno.. i know i am really such a failure, who dun keep promises. x)

KINDER SURPRISE! i dunno, now i am still acting happy infront of godpa, just not to let him worry, i didnt wan to worry him so i done tht.. i didnt want to lie to him so i say i really got myself drunk. i mean it trust. hais.. but now i am acting happy infront of him, isnt it a sense of lie too? i do not know and i udn wsh to know.

if, if everything can come again. i just hope i have never known you...

you left me a wonderful memories that i will never forget.
;7:40 PM