365 days TOGETHER! wE aRe OnE BIG fAmIlY

Monday, June 19, 2006

Dear Diary..

hais, i am not feeling tht nice either now. been a fakey the whole day, this is really the first time i'm not looking forward to math, dun wished to see him or rather, can shun him how long, i will do it. i dunno why i am feeling like this right now. or even, early in the morning. keep telling myself, i shld go since i promise him. tht's really the first time in my whole life i got this dumb feelings of not going to school to clear everything with him. to have some lame jokes or a little chats with him. no, none of these things appeared in my mind. i just wish i didnt think of all this stuff right now. but i am.. i start to feel fear and phobia of meeting him, i start to drag my feets to school to meet him, i began to think of everything he done.. i dunno why, i am feeling that loss and do-not-know- wad to do rite now. but still, my feet eventually reached greenridge secondary school. and it walk to the animal farm and decided to sit down to clear emath. my mind isnt tht focus at all. i was like keep chewing on my anciet time tibits. i didnt even want to look straight into his eyes. i dunno why, but guss i felt more distant with him after today.

there's no jokes, no chats just simply math. this isnt the usual lesson our mr koh will conduct. the revision or clearing stuff will always led to random things and chat. but there's none today. i felt a sense of cold in him, like between us, there's no friends this word exsit only teacher-student. nothing is the same like last time. yup, he did smile but to cheryl and ppl who are clearing amath. why? why do the few of us meant nothing to you? otr maybe from the start we already like that? he got yongwei to shut up, me of no more jokes. is tht wad he want? a serious peiching, yongwei, meiling, linjia, racheal, nicholas. i already tried my best not to think of the airport incident. i admit, i am stupid.. but why made me feel like tht? i hate the godpa now.. i dun wished he's my so called godpa. cos, last time my godpa isnt like tht.. he will never ask me stop joking to be serious. i dunno.. i just felt so not close with him since he's back. i do not know why.. cos of mr ong? mayb bahs. no comments. and seriously i do not wish to quarrel with you. i have god damn enough. thanks.

didnt talk tht much to him during math today. cos nothing to talk or rather he dun appreciate my talk. i dunno how to explain the feelings. but if you were me, you will know why i am feeling upset more than angry now. i'm not fit to be your listening ear. all along, i am just living in my own little world about all this stupid stuff. cos from the start, you dun really care whether i am there anot. if i do made a different anot. so have a little chats with yongwei instead and i insist tht he changed. perhaps like yw say, i'm being too sensitive? be it, i dun give a damn about it anymore. and i seriously hope that this is only a time being feelings. and everything will be fine. but guess, it's not tht easy. why choose to keep me from what exactly happen between you and mr ong. but let me know about this matter exsit? i'm so worry and so confused but i cant tell my two good listener. you and mr ong.. den wad you expect me to do mister. sit there and seeing you so irritated and made me feel tht you at least have the little hatred in me? why? i feel like, i am then msging a wall. a super big piece of wall, talking to this big big wall there dun give a fukking damn about me. made me felt tht i am doing everything in vain. you know how i am feelling now? can you be abit more fair? do i seriously deserve this treatment? the coldness from you? i dun think so ok.. i didnt do anything tht offended you apart from tht mr ong incident. i dunno, mayb you are just something the possessed in this mr koh. be it, cos i really felt so numb, i dun wish to comment about anything you do to me anymore. thanks. ;) so this lousy, idiotic, dumbass lesson ended at least, in the minimum a smile from me to him, and him to us. i dun enjoy his companion but instead i enjoy being with yongwei.. heh heh.. thanks niang niang!

well, no more say about him. cos he will never read or feel anything wrong about me. cos i am just there wad. he can just ignore or just take a look cos to him, i will forever be there. no change at all. so, maybe one day, i will disappear and hope you will not regrets. dun ever compared me with anyone tht's in your mind right now. hais. cos wadever i have done, are never good enuff for you. but sometime, i really wonder, where this mr koh are right now? the one tht will enjoy the droppers company. the one tht will laugh and cheer us up? the one tht will talk to you when you feeling down? the one tht you really treasure and respect like your own dad? where's he? or perhaps, he just stay in the dream of me and joachim? i dunno. i have enuff of your no replying and your all sort of idiotic excuses and scolding tht i dun even know what the hell happen. my consideration to you ppl are nothing but a piece of shiat. thank ya!

hmm, early in the morning, i went to meet ying and min. got so much chatting with them and enjoy being with them so much tht i really dun wished to leave for math. cos i know it will never worth it. but eventually, jon and ying send me to the lrt station and off i went to meet rach. but ying and min.. i love you ppl. =) so have lunch with niang niang and rach. until now, i haven eat yet. was too angry to eat anything or rather upset is a better word? so went back to greenridge when no one gave a damn about me.. then followed by went to sell ice cream with meiling and yongwei. so boring.. hmm, but i just tagged along, i dun consider myself as working.. lols. so just reached home and gonna do some bbq stuff before i sleep and stuff.

msg this super big peice of wall and there's no reply. i knew he dun give a damn and surely will be thinking i am joking again. but like what you say, mr wall, there's a limit to everything. heading to beauty world tml, cos i got to buy cloth for the bbq and stuff and games. most impt, apple strudel! i have to go order it.. hmm, wadever. so mr wall eventually didnt reply. since he choose to be like this den see how bahs. i wil ljust order wadever i like. ok? since, you dun give me a damn den why shld i worry for your wallet? lols, but of cos, i am not tht evil.. depend on my mood lahs. i have a anough of how ppl took me for granted.

ohh, i went to find jacq just now. at plaza, she help me put eye shadow and paint my finger nails. cos she work there mahs, den got tester. she's so super nice. she's one of the band seniors and she is so funny loh. so cute looking somemore. heh heh.. den shes going back to band camp this friday. yeahs! den she promised to teach me and meiling how to make-up. :P

hmm, thts all for today. mr wall.. eventually, you won. cos i am too soft hearted unlike you. maybe wad they say is true, you will only start to cherish something after it's gone. hope this apply to you too. mrs lim ask how am i after i treated her like this. kind of guilty. cos i am a human.. i have heart. i'm sry loh. hais! tkc..

you left me a wonderful memories that i will never forget.
;10:25 PM