365 days TOGETHER! wE aRe OnE BIG fAmIlY

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

Dear Diary..

i have no ideas how to find back this smile i used to have for every now and then. the real smile tht always is on my face. the one that i feel really haapy for every single day with ppl and friends. but now, everday i am kind of no life. its always surrounded the same person and hmwk and sch. nothing else. life seem so empty and friends are grumbling about my bo-chapness in them. but wad can i do? i have been putting on this strong feelings of not breaking down infront of all of them cos i knew they will feel really heartbroken and dunno wad to do even i cry and yell infront of them.

things have been going well and going downhill at times. he became the next important person in my life. i care alot for him, wadever i have done is just for him. we have been quarreling for days and ok back for a few days. but everyday, i have to worry and stress about everything. every sunday, i rather gave up anything i have just to meet him. am i being nobel or stupid? i have been hanging this fake smile around me. trying to cheer mr koh up when he look really down. screaming and behave like crazy in class just to bring up thier mood. i know the days with each other is getting lesser and lesser. tht's one reason why i behave like tht too.

i am stress. i do not know wad to do. i have been talking to myself non stop. screaming at the phone. telling myself there's still time. but i can sense, i geeting crazy with all those directly or indirectly stuff for me. the class.. samuel, myself, friends. what am i supppose to do. put down everything like wad ppl say? i cant, i really cannot. i hope someone will pity me, and help me to settle all this little stuff. but whose life is not full of rocks. i am seriously, declaring tired and i wating to give up everything i can, you understand?

my classmates are compalining of my lesser time with them. samuel as the top piority and stuff.. i am really hurt and i felt so bad towards them. everyday, i will talk about samuel, think about samuel, go and see what samuel is doing. the responsibility of taking care of him is so huge. even though they say just worry for his studies but then, opther stuff are link as well. i feel sad when thing not going my way. i feel like cutting myself to let him know what ia mfeeling. but samuel dun deserve such stress. i worry his work not on time. i worry he got into trouble. i worry i cant score for olevel. i worry the MT result tht is coming out in 2days time. wad am i suppose to do. seriously, leave everything down to wad is suppsoed to be?

when is the last time i went out with the big group of them? when is the alst time we went shopping? eating? watching movies? when is the last time they saw me really smile and be happy for the whole day? when is the last time i went to arcade and xboxing? when? why do i deserve to suffer like tht? why do i need to gave up every spare time i have to coach samuel or others? why? cos simple, they matter to me. but i wanted to help them, but as time goes by, the load is getting bigger. i have to really manage friends and him properly.

ppl say, i'm bias. samauel is my first piority. except samuel i wun teach anyone. cos of smauel, they didnt see the smile i usual have. i felt sasd for myself. i pity myself. and i really hate myself. my friends love me and they hate to see me suffer with all this unhappiness but why? why am i suffering? why.. i hate everything now. i did not feedback to mr koh abt such stuff cos i know he will worry and stuff. i hate it. i am sorry peeps. i am really useless. =(

hais, sorry to jaochim and yongwei, if you ppl think i have no life pls give me time.. u ppl matter to me as my great frene. samuel, is currently working hard, i cant gave him up. hais.. why do i have to suffer this?

i just wish to find back my smile. but it seem impossible....

you left me a wonderful memories that i will never forget.
;8:50 PM